If you’ve been following my blog for awhile then you will know this has been a long time coming. It’s been over 3 years that we’ve been on this journey and even though today is the day that it becomes final, and legal, it still doesn’t seem real.

I haven’t posted an adoption update in almost a year because it’s been a very difficult year. Shortly after my last update Gabriella’s counselor suddenly passed away, after only a 3 month battle with cancer. It was a devastating loss, a huge change that we weren’t expecting and one that was really hard for Gabriella. This was only the beginning of the difficulties we have faced over the last year, most of them too difficult to even put into words.

Lots of people adopt, it’s a very common thing in our culture, but it’s so hard bringing an older child into your home because there are very few people that adopt older children, and that understand the difficulties you are facing. It’s this very thing that made Matt and I feel so alone this last year. We quickly realized that when the crap hit the fan we had very little support around us. No one, not even our families, were asking us how we were doing, how things were going, and if we needed support. It was at that point that we went over to our neighbors one Tuesday evening, (we hang out with them and drink wine every Tuesday night after all our kids are in bed) and my friend Christi looked at me and said, “you look terrible, is everything okay?” And I lost it. I broke down in tears, and for 2 hours Matt and I shared what was going on, our struggles, our pain, our feelings of loneliness and the struggle that’s real when God calls you to something, you’re faithful to do it, and then you question why.

It was after that night that Christi decided to throw us a “night of encouragement”. She gathered a handful of our friends and we spent and evening at our house sharing our hearts, reading my original blog post on this topic, and they all reminded us why we were on this journey and that God is faithful. I was also super convicted that night because of a word that was spoken by Christi’s husband, who said something like this (I don’t remember the exact word for word, just what it said to my heart), “I’m reminded of the story of Jonah. God asked Jonah to go speak to the people of Nineveh, which he didn’t want to do. In the end, after he ended up being obedient, he was angry and bitter about it. You’ve already been obedient to the Lord but you have a choice, do you want to end up being bitter about it, or do you want to choose joy and see God’s hand at work, even though it’s not what you thought it would look like?”

Yikes. That hit me like a sword to my heart. I don’t want to end up bitter and angry like Jonah, I want to be able to rejoice with the Lord and see His hand at work, even when it hurts. That night was a turning point for us. It gave us the strength and the courage we needed to start asking for help from our friends, when we needed it, to meet with some of our family members and have hard talks with them, telling them we didn’t feel supported by them, sharing our pain and being vulnerable.

Even though our situation hadn’t changed, we had changed, we felt stronger and we were a team. Matt and I have learned so much over the last couple years, of this adoption journey, but I think one of the biggest, and hardest things we’ve learned is to not carry the burden. Let me tell you, it’s SO hard when you are being told you’re failing as a parent, in one form or another, to not carry that burden. But we’ve learned that it’s not ours to carry; if we are doing everything we can to parent, provide, set boundaries, be obedient to the Lord, even if we do everything right and we’re still “failing”, we can’t own that. I know that probably seems like a no brainer to anyone in a “normal” parenting situation but it wasn’t for us. This concept was something God had to speak to us through individuals around us, the few others we’ve connected with, that have been in our same shoes. We’ve had to wrap our brains around the idea that we can try to be the best parents possible but still never be good enough, and that is okay as long as we are being obedient and we don’t end up bitter, like Jonah.

The hardest piece of the puzzle has been watching how all of this has affected Malea (who is 6 years old). For the most part she has stayed faithful in loving her sister even when she doesn’t feel loved in return. However, recently we’ve had some really hard talks where she’s opened up to me and asked me why sissy doesn’t love her and she told me she’s sad that I brought sissy into our home. All these things make me want to melt into a puddle of tears on the ground but I stay strong for Malea and with the Lord’s strength I’ve been able to turn these conversations into really important lessons about obedience to the things God calls us to, even when it’s not easy and sometimes it hurts. I shared with her that it’s been hard for mommy and daddy too, but that at the end of the day obedience to the Lord is the most important thing.

People tell me all the time, “you guys are doing such a great thing” and my response is, “well we’re doing something.” I’m not sure if what we are doing is a “great thing”, I’ll let the Lord decide that on judgement day, because I know I definitely fail a lot. But what I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt is that we are doing something. We didn’t sit back and wait for someone else to hear the same thing from the Lord, so we didn’t have to do it, we leaped right in head first. We definitely knew it would change everything, and that Malea’s childhood would be completely different, but I’m glad it has changed everything because we are better people, we have a better marriage, I’m having conversations with my 6 year old that some parents probably never have with their children, because we chose to listen and to be obedient. So even if what we are doing it’s necessarily a “great thing”, at the end of the day, even when I want to quit, I know that I will be able to stand in front of the Lord someday and say that I did “something”.

I know this is a lot, probably not what you were expecting from an Adoption Update, but it’s the real, honest and sometimes ugly truth. Which brings us back to today. You’ve seen countless changes in our home over the last two years – bathroom makeovers, kitchen makeovers, backyard makeovers, etc. but today our home, our family, is getting the biggest makeover of all. Today we go from being a family of 3 with a foster child living in our home, to a family of 4. Gabriella, for the first time in her entire 17 years and 11 months, will belong. For the first time ever she will have a family that has accepted her, that is for her, who wants to see her succeed and who will fight for her, even through all the really painful things. We mark today as the day that the old becomes the new and our daughter officially becomes Gabriella Moseley.

To read our story from the beginning click HERE.

All photos were taken by Brett and Emily Photographers last November.

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Let me be the first to say it, adoption is hard. Not that I ever thought it would be easy but I never imagined the way it would stretch and pull me and expose things I didn’t know were hidden inside of me.

Have you ever heard of a “naked cake”? I hadn’t either until Gabriella came to me and asked me to make one for her. At first I was kind of annoyed because I like making pretty cakes, cakes that look pretty on the outside and taste delicious on the inside. But then I realized something, naked cakes are pretty too, but in their own unique way.

They aren’t perfect on the outside like a pinwheel cake or a button cake, they are exposed, which is exactly what adoption has done to me, to my daughter, to our family. I have wounds that are being exposed, that don’t always look pretty when they come out, but they are making me more beautiful each day as I chose to work through them.

And my daughter has wounds, lots of wounds, because she’s never known a family’s love, no one that has ever said they loved her has stuck around, she’s been abandoned time after time. And when those wounds come out, when they rear their ugly head in the form of depression, attitude, walls all around her to protect herself, they aren’t pretty either. But every day that she chooses to stay, to endure love, to work through those wounds, everyday she is a little more beautiful.

There have been days and weeks where I thought it would never look pretty, where we’d be stuck in this ugly, miserable place forever. I’ve never questioned “why” God asked us to adopt because I know His love is so great and that His heart is to save His children. But there have been many days that I’ve questioned “at what cost”? So we rescued a girl, we gave her a life, a home, a family, but at what cost? Sometimes I feel like that decision has cost us everything.

It has cost us so much. Sometimes I look at my friends, and their “normal” lives and wonder what it would be like. But then I wonder if I could ever be happy living a “normal” life, knowing I hadn’t taken the risk that God asked me to. And then I leap.

I dig deeper inside myself, I chose to love, even though some days I think it might actually kill me. I chose to work on myself, I chose to expose the things I didn’t know were hidden, even though it hurts more than I ever thought possible.

But then the Lord, in His graciousness, reminds me to have eternal perspective. He reminds me that He’s molding me and making me more like Him. He reminds me that it’s not just about our daughter but that it’s about her kids and her kid’s kids. He reminds me that He is with me and that “He will never leave me or forsake me”. He reminds me that sometimes it’s good to get out of the moment and look at the bigger picture.

Because the bigger picture isn’t clouded with emotion, pain and heartbreak. The bigger picture is beautiful, it shows growth, it shows God’s grace, it shows me that each day is worth living and that the things that hurt so much will become beautiful when they are molded and shaped by God.

I know it’s not the adoption update you probably expected but I want to be real, I want you to really know me and to know where we are at. Because adoption is hard, but just like Gabriella’s naked cake, the more it is shaped and loved by it’s creator, the more beautiful it becomes, not perfect, but beautiful.

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On July 27th, we moved into our new home, the one the Lord had been preparing for us (click HERE for that story), then on August 31st, our “Gabriella” moved in with us. It’s crazy that it all happened so quickly, but from the beginning I knew in my heart that everything was going to happen this last August. God is so faithful.

The transition to our new house and having a new daughter in the family has been wonderful. It’s definitley different having a teenager and a 4 year old, but it’s also a lot of fun. The week after “Gabriella” moved in she started school at one of our local churches. They have a ministry school that she felt called to go to, and even though she is so young, they accepted her because the leaders of the school also felt like she was supposed to be there. It has been SO AMAZING to see God moving in her life. He has spoken so much to her, given her dreams, affirmed her, showed her what her identity in Him looks like, how he has redeemed her from her awful past, and so much more! The way God is speaking to her is beyond what I could have hoped for.

I think the hardest transition for her has been adjusting to having a 4 year old sister. Malea loves her so much but “Gabriella” has never really spent time with younger kids, and never really had the opportunity to be a kid herself, so Malea can be overwhelming to her. We are working with both of them, and teaching them both to have grace for one another, and there has been a noticeable difference in the last couple of weeks. In the end love always wins so I know they will end up loving each other, working together to fight sex trafficking, and be great friends. They are both incredible girls, with Malea’s love of people and “Gabriella’s” desire to see sex trafficking come to an end, I know God has big plans for them. It’s no accident they are sisters and I know they will end up being a powerful team!

Having a teenager has also been an adjustment for Matt and I. We’ve had to have conversations we weren’t planning on having for YEARS! But God is so good and I’ve been shocked at how well He had prepared us for those conversations, even though we didn’t know He was doing that. More than anything this new chapter of our lives has made me realize how good God is and how much He has blessed us. I am so blessed to have such a loving, patient husband, with such a Father’s heart for our girls. It’s going to be hard for them to find husbands after having such an incredible dad!

Even though Gabriella has moved in and is already our daughter, it is not legal yet. Right now she is living with us, as approved by her current guardian. All the proper paperwork has been submitted to the court and we are waiting for them to approve everything. We will probably be having a home study soon, and I imagine we will also have to take a trip down to her original hometown, for an actual court hearing. We would be so grateful for your prayers that this process would go quickly and smoothly. We can’t wait for the day that she is “officially” a Moseley!

Our next challenge is continuing to grow as a family but also to continue our work with the girls at the safe house. I know it’s a struggle for “Gabriella” because she just got out of there, so to want to go back up is hard for her. But I know that as a family we are called to spread awareness of sex trafficking and be there for those that have come out of it and are on a healing journey. I know God gave us our new house because He wants us to fill it with His daughters, those that need love, need to see what family looks like, and need restoration.

I hope to one day be able to share pictures of our entire family but for now I cannot share pictures of our Gabriella for safety reasons. Thank you all, SO MUCH, for your prayers and your encouragement, it is your prayers that helped bring her to us, and for that we are eternally thankful!

I’ve received a few comments about these adorable pictures of Malea so I wanted to add this disclosure:

I would never want anything to happen to either of my daughters. Malea is a beautiful, innocent little girl and she loves all things princess. I found a photo shoot similar to this on Pinterest and I knew that she would have so much fun doing it. I posted these pictures, not so they could end up in the wrong hands, but to put her innocence on display while telling the story of how God is restoring innocence in our other daughter. Innocence, and childhood are a beautiful thing and it’s something we feel, should be put on display for the world to see. If we choose to hide innocence, then we are choosing to live in fear. I cannot chose to live in fear because in a world that’s over-sexualized, we have to somehow display God’s love, and His story.

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The post When God Speaks ~ Adoption Update appeared first on Ask Anna.

The day after I got back from Cambodia, my husband told me that “our” English Tudor home was in escrow. At first I wasn’t too worried about it because it had been in escrow 2 other times and fallen out so I figured that would happen again. However in my heart I was wrestling because I really felt like this time the sale was going to go through. I was so confused because I knew I had heard God tell me to ask for that house, so what did it mean now that someone else was buying it? Even though the situation looked hopeless (like we would never end up with the house) I knew that I had to continue to trust God, and that He knew what He was doing.

A week went by and the sale on the English Tudor was supposed to be closing any day… they still hadn’t backed out. So I decided that God must have a different timing for us to live in the house. But that weekend I was telling my friend about the situation, and she told me about a house that was for sale in our price range, that her friends were moving out of.  They had been renting the house but it was going to be going on the market and my friend thought it had a lot of the things we were looking for in a house. I asked her what the address was, so we could go look at the house and when she told me I just laughed. The house she was telling me about was literally across the street and down two houses.  I thought, “Oh God, you are funny.” Two days later we were walking through the house with the selling agent.

Turns out the house across the street is awesome too. And the thing is, God had told us to ask for the other house so I knew He wouldn’t give us anything less than what was in that house, and He did not disappoint. Writing this makes me want to cry because God is so good and He knows our needs. So since this other house was across the street, from the English Tudor, that meant it had views. Views of the river and views of a huge green belt that no one can ever build on. It’s also a huge lot and it’s super private because there aren’t houses on either side of it. It also has a bigger pool and a HUGE lawn, which the English Tudor did not have (perfect for more parties like my 1920’s party and Mad Men party!). The new house is also very open, you walk in and you look over the living room which has a wall of windows on the other side, which looks out onto the green belt, it’s awesome. The house is old so it needs a lot, I mean A LOT, of work but you know me, I love a good project and I love having good makeovers to show you!

Okay, so we looked at the house on Monday, made an offer, countered back and forth with the seller a little, and the next Monday we had a deal. Two weeks after I found out “our” English Tudor was being bought by someone else we were buying a different house, a better house, that’s right across the street!!! Not only that but the seller wants to close on the 24th, yes, July 24th, so almost exactly one month after I got back from Cambodia, and found out the other house was sold, we’ll be moving into our new house. I can’t help but laugh because it’s just crazy! I’m also really excited to meet our new neighbors, the ones that bought the other house, because they have 3 young kids that I’m sure Malea will end up being friends with!

Here are a few pictures of the house, I can’t wait to show you the inside, and share all the projects I have planned!

To read my first post about the English Tudor, click HERE.

I also want to say a HUGE thank you to all of you who commented, and emailed me, after my first post, telling me your personal stories about how God had spoken to you and provided for you. I can’t even tell you how encouraged I was by all of you and your stories and over the last few months I have thought about your stories, and it has increased my faith dramatically! I never want to stop telling stories about God’s goodness and how He provides for His children! Thank you for encouraging me on this crazy journey and for being a part of our story!

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I am back, and mostly recovered from my two weeks in Cambodia. I’m taking today to show you pictures and share a few stories with you. It was an awesome trip and we had a lot of fun but it was also very heavy. 

Cambodia has a very sad history; from the beginning they have been a very oppressed country but most recently (1975-1979) they endured 4 years of ruling by the Khmer Rouge and it is estimated that at least 1,386,734 victims were executed and an additional 1.7 to 2.5 million died because of disease, starvation, etc. (source) The leader of our trip, Chamron, was a survivor of the Khmer Rouge ruling, they tried to execute him many times but God spared his life.

On our very first day in Cambodia we toured 2 sites of the Killing Fields, which was very sad, surreal, and emotional. I don’t know why but they photographed their victims before executing them so in one of the museums there were pictures of hundreds of victims just lining the room.  This picture ripped my heart out, seeing a mother and her infant.

The second site we went to was where mass graves were cleaned out in the 1980’s. When they cleaned out the graves they saved all the skulls and put them on display in this tower. Our leader said some of those skulls are probably from friends and family members of his, it was so incredibly surreal.

Each one of the big holes in the ground is a grave where between 50-150 people were buried.

 Here’s a full look at the building that is full of skulls.

After this very sobering day we were excited, the next day, to get to go out to a village and hang out with some of the beautiful people of Cambodia. In the village 4 churches had gathered to come hear Chamron speak. They were so excited to see us and gave us a sweet welcoming, including fresh coconut milk, straight from the coconut!

While the adults were listening to our leader preach we got to work with the precious children. We taught them how to sing “Jesus Loves Me” in English, we played games with them, colored, passed out candy and crosses.

After the ministry time was over we walked out to a pond for baptisms. It was so moving to see people flood the pond to be baptized, and the joy that was on their faces when they came out of the water.

The people in this village were so precious.

I can’t post pictures of the girls that went with me from the safe house but it was so awesome to see them enjoying the people, playing with the kids, praying for people, and stepping out of their comfort zones in every way possible.

One of the more adventurous ways a few of them stepped out of their comfort zones was to eat crazy stuff!  The craziest things they ate were tarantulas, crickets, snails and balut. This seriously gave me the heebee geebies and I was not about to eat any of those things but I did take pictures of all of them eating them!  Here’s a picture of one of the girls from our team, holding a tarantula and then eating one!

The most adventurous thing I tried was sugar cane juice, pressed straight from the cane at a street cart. It was good but I kept thinking about how unsanitary it was so I had a hard time finishing it.

Here are two pictures of what traditional Cambodian homes looks like. It’s basically just a large room with 4 walls, if they are lucky. A lot of the homes only have 3 walls. The bathroom and kitchen are in a separate room outside of the house.

Another village we went to was way out in the jungle. It was so far out there we had to ride in a trailer on the back of a tractor-type thing to get out there. Just getting there was an adventure.

Everyone we met was so precious. How can you not love these faces?

One of the things I loved about this day was getting to pass out clothes to the children and the moms with babies. The kids were so shy and didn’t know how to receive the clothes which broke my heart. I’m sure they are not given things very often, if ever, so it was very emotional getting to bless them with clothes and other goodies. I love this picture of the little girl with her new purple tank top.

On my birthday we got to do my favorite thing from the whole trip. We traveled way up a mountain to visit the soldiers that protect the border of Cambodia from Thailand. 

While we were up there we visited the ruins of an ancient temple. The soldiers told our leader that the temple had been in tact until 2011 when Thailand attacked the border trying to take over that portion of Cambodia.

On the way down the mountain we passed out noodles to the soldiers, and their families, that live along the road and fight to protect the country. The soldiers there are not paid well and they are never paid on time, so they don’t know when their next meal will be. It’s really sad that they have given their lives to fight for the country but the government writes them off and takes advantage of them. Seeing them come out of their stations and run to our truck was moving but seeing the joy and gratitude on their faces, when we handed them the food, was so incredible, I absolutely loved it.

Overall the trip was awesome. I had a hard time because I didn’t fall in love with the country, like people often do on missions trips, but my heart did break for the people. It is such an oppressed, fear-based country that my heart breaks for the people and what they have endured, and continue to endure. 

The thing that broke my heart more than anything (I don’t have pictures) was seeing young girls being trafficked. There was one night that my future daughter saw two girls go into a hotel room, not far from ours, and then come out a short time later. It killed me that she had to see that but it did spur on a good conversation about how the families in Cambodia are so poor that many parents will sell their children for money, so the rest of the family can eat. It is not a life the girls choose, but one they are sold into by their own families. Talking to her about it shattered my heart but it was that conversation that made me realize that I will go back to Cambodia someday to love on those girls. I have no idea what it will look like, or when it will happen but it’s my heart to take my whole family over their to show the trafficked girls God’s love, and to give them hope.

Thank you so much for your prayers, encouragement and support for my trip. This trip truly changed me and gave me a whole new perspective on how incredibly blessed I am, to have been born in America, and to have the life I have.

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